Santa’s Privacy Policy (via McSweeney’s)

On McSweeney’s:

Santa’s Privacy Policy

By Laurence Hughes [Originally published December 23, 2010.]

Onine Santa, via Kids Privacy BlogAt Santa’s Workshop, your privacy is important to us. What follows is an explanation of how we collect and safeguard your personal information; the kind of information we collect; and your choices regarding our use and disclosure of this information.

Why Do We Need This Information?
Santa Claus requires your information in order to compile his annual list of Who is Naughty and Who is Nice, and to ensure accuracy when he checks it twice. …

What Information Do We Collect?
We obtain information from a variety of sources. Much of it comes from unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children all over the world listing specific items they would like to receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey additional information as well, such as the child’s hopes and dreams, how much they love Santa, and which of their siblings are doodyheads.

The letters also provide another important piece of information—fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List. …

There’s lots more detail where that came from; I suppose Santa had to introduce his privacy policy after the Federal Trade Commission imposed a record fine against him for violations of the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. Nor, as the Law and the Multiverse blog points out, are these not the only legal issues with which Santa has to contend, including whether someone can get a restraining order against Santa for stalking.

Anyway, here’s another McSweeney’s article of Letters to Santa Written by Shakespeare Characters; and here’s Foreign Policy magazine’s Daniel Drezner on pundits encountering Santa.

Finally, next year, don’t forget the NORAD Santa tracker.